雅思作文变形记:新东方老师是如何帮学生修改作文的

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标题:雅思作文变形记:新东方老师是如何帮学生修改作文的

作为一名雅思一对一写作老师,最熟悉的就是学生每天递交上来的不同语言风格,不同句型难度以及不同思路表达的作文。本文将通过一篇学生习作中的段落,向大家讲述一段文字被如何层层分解,再逐句整合,最终变成了修改之后的样子。

题目

Some people think that all university students should study whatever they like. Others believe that they should only be allowed to study subjects that will be useful in the future, such as those related to science and technology. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. (剑10 test 2)

下文是学生的第1个主体段,意在表达学习自己喜欢的科目虽然重要,但是在未来的就业中可能用处不大或者因为不常用而被忘记。

Interest gives the most motivation for a university student who chooses his willing subject. Students would be more likely to pay more time and efforts on his studying career. They may love to attend classes, love to discuss with tutors and classmates and do the assignments. Life will become easier and full of fun. As a result, they may get higher grades, also make deeper research on what they are seeking for. However, to a certain extent, they are confronted with the stress of getting a well-paid job after graduation, or even lose what they grab in university, both the knowledge and the skill, because of the uselessness in their rest life.

很明显这是作者的让步段,段落中主要存在如下问题:

1. 缺少连接词,句子之间衔接不明确;

2. 部分句子表述啰嗦或难以理解;

3. 词汇和语法错误

第一遍着重句子之间的逻辑关系,补充和删除连接词。

It is undeniable that interest gives the most motivation for a university student who chooses his willing subject, which means they would be more likely to pay more time and efforts on his studying career. In other words, they may love to attend classes, love to discuss with tutors and classmates and do the assignments. Life will become easier and full of fun. As a result, they may get higher grades, also make deeper research on what they are seeking for. However, to a certain extent, they are confronted with the stress of getting a well-paid job after graduation, or even lose what they grab in university, both the knowledge and the skill, because of the uselessness in their rest life.

第二遍着重修改中式英语的表达。

It is undeniable that interest gives the most motivation for a university student(1) who chooses his willing subject(2), which means they would be more likely to pay more time and efforts on his studying career(3).

(1)interests can arouse the motivation of a college student

(2)favorable/preferable subjects

(3)his studies

In other words, they may love to attend classes, discuss with tutors and classmates and do the assignments(4). As a result, they may get higher grades(5), also make deeper research(6) on what they are seeking for(7).

(4) would be passionate in attending … discussing with… and doing …

(5) achieve better academic performance

(6) further research

(7) pursuing

However, they are confronted with the stress of getting a well-paid job after graduation(8), or even lose what they grab(9) in university.

(8) if they could not serve the society in a practical way, they might be confronted with the pressure of getting a well-paid job after graduation,

(9) acquired

第三遍修改语法错误。

It is undeniable that interests can arouse the motivation of a college student who chooses his favorable subjects, which means they would be more likely to pay more time and effort son his studies.

问题:

人称和代词不统一

动词的选择与搭配

改为:It is undeniable that interests can arouse the motivation of college students who choose their favorable subjects, which means they would be more likely to make more efforts to their studies.

经过三遍修改,这个段落最终的版本如下所示:

It is undeniable that interests can arouse the motivation of college students who choose their favorable subjects, which means they would be more likely to make more efforts to their studies. In other words, they would be passionate in attending classes, discussing with tutors and classmates or doing assignments. As a result, they may achieve better academic performance, and also make further research on what they are pursuing. However, if they could not serve the society in a practical way, they might be confronted with the pressure of getting a well-paid job after graduation, or even lose what they acquired in university. 返回,查看更多

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